Masks

Introduction

(Note, I'm not a professional, I just desperately need to put my thoughts into words)

When I think of masks, my first thoughts are well this might be weird but autism masking (to appear neurotypical) and the kind of mask you'd see in Persona 5, mainly in Shido's palace.

Now I've not been diagnosed (not that I haven't tried) but I wouldn't be shocked that it turned out that I have autism, it makes a lot of sense but I want to talk about masking in a general sense, hiding the true person underneath.

Now, before I start I want to make something clear, I don't think of masking as a bad thing overall, I put on the mask of a performer every time I stream, I put on that mask of my own will, if I didn't want to anymore, I'd stop. But the person in the streams doesn't fully exist, it's simply a facet of a person, maybe someone I want to be more like. I feel like, in some way, that's how everyone on the screens acts, push up the good and push down the bad. But the thickness of the mask depends on the person, but only those around the person would be able to possibly confirm. The point is that no matter what I say or do online, no matter how much of myself I share, the full story is never given, the full range of my emotion will never come through, the mask is a filter, it may slip, and there is some real truth to what I say but it can never be the full picture, it's the only mask I willingly put on, and the only mask I excuse, because I can take it off whenever I need to, I am aware of it, and I am in control of it's usage.

The many masks of CPrinter

As I go through my day, I frequently swap between masks, some small like the guys working the shop next to my work, usually just a cheerful quick hello and goodbye. Some need to be used at a moment's notice, when I work, customers can come in at any time and I gotta greet with a smile and cheerful tone. Some just put themselves on, no matter how little I care to use them, like... with my partner, even if it's thin, I'm not happy, I'm not proud or anything, my care for her is genuine and I hope she knows that.

As long as I'm not alone, a mask is always up, a mask has to be always up, the walls of my guard scale to the heavens to the point that I can become lost in it, my mind scrambling information that I want that doesn't belong to the mask, a fog in the wrong parts of my mind. As much as I'm baring my soul right now, there's probably something left in the gaps.

But the masks... The masks aren't all good, they are uncaring, unthinking, they equip when they're needed and disposed of just as easily, but, what if the person underneath is fragmented, struggling? The invalid emotions are pushed down like a spring, when the mask removess the emotion comes out stronger than before. I've had shifts where I've had to take 10 second breaks between customers (it's when they come into the shop, I don't just leave the customer at the counter) to throw off the mask and continue a panic attack, my attempts of focused breathing stopped by the bell letting me know the customer is out front.

The only time the mask doesn't stick well to my face is when I'm about 2 steps from a total breakdown or just exhausted, in that case, my responses become either single word answers ir just reaction with a facial expression, I'm an introvert and the battery has run empty.

My feelings on my many masks

Suppressing part of myself whenever I'm around anyone is exhausting, feeling myself act a way I don't like but the mask demands it is exhausting. Every day is spent trying to spend the least amount of time around people so I can be at home, relaxed and able to be myself with no one around. It makes me a bit of a shut in but the alternative is exhausting myself pointlessly when I can at least enjoy the little comfort of taking off the mask, taking away the feeling of wanting needing to act right for people I know as well as people I don't. Sometimes I get really bad anxiety walking past someone on the street, am I walking correctly? Is this person who will never see me again think of me as some freak if I walk weird? Do I look weird or is there something on my face? Can you imagine having these thoughts constantly racing through your head every time you see another person walking about their day? Because I feel that and I hate it, it's overwhelming, all consuming, making sure the mask stays up, even though there's no words, no interaction, the mask still finds it's way to my face, infesting my thoughts.

Who am I? Who is Colour Printer?

That's the big question isn't it? Are Colour Printer and I even the same person or are they so separate from myself that they might as well be someone completely different?

Colour Printer still has my memories, my past and will share my future, they love indie games but hold back on cheering on corp made games. They always try to bring the good vibes no matter what, only failing this when on the brink or when a relevent subject is brought up. Someone that cares deeply for their fellow person, who would always offer an ear or care even if it's the smallest thing. Someone who wants to paint the world with their art and words.

So if that's the mask, what makes me? I... I don't really know, I'm a frail core, I don't do much interesting outside of Colour Printer stuff, my nights are typically spent alone because I like it. I like being uninteresting, I like being in the background, I enjoy when eyes are off of me, my dream job right now would be a pile of data to process in a back room, no questions asked. I sometimes take pictures, I sometimes want to do things outside of my bubble, but this bubble, this sweet fragile bubble around me helps me feel warm, feel safe, it's a bubble formed of teenage years and young adulthood, the bubble that won't ghost, tell me I'm weird or wrong for the way I look (note: I don't have body issues) or the way I act, won't complain at me for wanting the peace of a video that can't directly talk back to me. The bubble is nice, the bubble is all I want but for a mask to come on, the bubble has to fall.

That's not to say I don't do anything, I do techy stuff, I watch YouTube, I participate in a fandom or two, I have shows I like. But, that's not like interesting, I don't understand how people can post like 5 posts a day on their soicals, it blows my mind. I don't hold back on my soicals and I post like once a week.

I love myself no matter what, but past that, anxiety fills my mind, I know how I work, but anyone past that is a big question mark, and big question marks scare me so I keep up the bubble, because if I don't, I don't think I'd even be around right now. I'm not even like a total shut in but if I won the Lotto, I'd probably spend the next couple of weeks just at home, because that's the only place I can allow myself not to have a care in the world.

I don't know if this has made any sense but any questions can be directed to my Bluesky account. If you're thinking "geez, this person really needs mental help" you'd be right, I'm currently on my 11th attempt (the first 10 either didn't help or flat out made things worse) thank you for asking!